i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
