Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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