Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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