When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
