jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize