Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
