Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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