Your dad touched me again.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
