tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
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