I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize