last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
