he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
