Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
There's always time for handjobs
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
