Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
