I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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