Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
