I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
