i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
