Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
