AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
