I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
foreskin is a definite game changer
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
My life is pants optional.
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