My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
