Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Duck Duck Cougar?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
