At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
