at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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