who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
