i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
