He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
