Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
