mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
