Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
