I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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