What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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