It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I need water and some morals
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