Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
