So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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