John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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