dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
We left the knife in your bed.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Randomize
