Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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