Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
