Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
