Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
