I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
