Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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