dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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