i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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