The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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