Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize