Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Ketchup is God's man juice
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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