So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
you had me at cake vodka
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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