I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
