I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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