Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
