Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
