I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
