hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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