I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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