my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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