so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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