During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
