I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
