My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
